limbo

in this state that i can’t stand being, yet that i can’t help but approach no matter from or en-route-to where, i am sitting again.

there are two ways that i know of to perceive the direction of your life. either. you are working toward that plateau where everything you have reached for or done is acquired or accomplished, and all is settled. or. you are of the insight that there is no plateau but a mountain, and for each step you take to climb it the next is its own accomplishment. i prefer the latter. yet in spite of this here i am sitting and waiting in limbo again for the next thing to come along. it’s not time yet to move into my own home because i have to wait for funds to accumulate. it’s not time yet to make the most of the season because it is still gray outside and i am still trying to shiver off this fat suit. it’s not time yet reach out into the new circumstances of my social scene because i do not have my own home. it’s not time yet to dive head long into the NICE because i’m waiting to know exactly what it is i’m going to be doing. and it’s not time yet to begin my summer projects at the lab because i’m in training, and we’re still figuring out how to finish my training and at the same time prepare me to train the PhD rotation student and the summer undergrad student, both of whom have to come before i begin any of my projects.

i feel like despite these conditions limbo is the last place i should be. i hate the waiting. i hate wanting to be doing so many things right now and not being able to because i’m waiting. and yet. people keep reminding me that this is exactly where i should be. transition sometimes requires waiting before the next climb begins. i should just be thinking about this as my time to remove my day pack and sit on the tree stump with some trail mix before the next push. pacing? isn’t the purpose of pacing to be able to constantly keep going? at a particular pace? so that limbo is stealthily and entirely debarred?

is it time yet?